Sunday, September 27, 2009

100 Things that shouldn't exist.

I'm long overdue for a pre written blog.

1. Headaches.
2. Stupid, uncomfortable chairs.
3. People who sharpen their pencils slowly.
4. Stores that check your receipt as you exit, making you feel like a criminal.
5. Mean cats.
6. Soft Jazz.
7. People who cut paper slowly.
8. Disease.
9. Big scary bugs with many legs.
10. Tuna salad with celery.
11. Celery.
12. Food service employees who assume that when you said, "No tomatoes," you were lying.
13. Mysterious sticky spots on desks.
14. Mysterious warm sections in pools.
15. The phrase, "We need to give it 110%."
16. Long sales receipts that include a code at the bottom for an online survey, that, when completed, will enter you for a chance to win a gift card. (We never win, and yet we always get our hopes up.)
17. Blisters on the back of the ankle caused by new shoes.
18. Parody versions of the Happy Birthday Song.
19. Grass (Because you'd think by now it would have evolved and learned that if it grows, it will get mowed.)
20. Facial hair (For the same reason as grass.)
21. Tiny cups of coleslaw served at diners.
22. Remakes of bad horror movies.
23. Back-of-the-knee sweat.
24. Greeting cards with glitter.
25. Televised poker.
26. Splinters.
27. Wheat Pennies and Bicentennial Quarters (Because we never know if it's OK to spend them, or if we should save them.)
28. Wisdom teeth.
29. The Hills on MTV.
30. Poverty.
31. Fluctuating speed limits on long stretches of heavily patrolled road.
32. Popped collars.
33. People with tattoos written in a language that they cannot speak.
34. Hurricanes.
35. Teachers with coffee breath.
36. Ziggy comic strips.
37. DVD commentaries in which the commentators simply describe what is happening on the screen while congratulating themselves. (E.G. "OK, so then he's going to pick up the phone. This is such a great scene. Now, he's going to say something.")
38. Racism.
39. Park benches that are still wet from the storm that came through about two hours ago.
40. Anti-matter. (This isn't an annoyance, but instead, is something that should not exist.)
41. Product placement visible in most TV shows and movies.
42. Elderly relatives on social networking sites.
43. Bathroom stalls that don't have doors.
44. Any arcade game or toy vending machine that costs more than 50 cents.
45. Prickly bushes that are in close proximity to the basketball court or the bottom of sledding hills.
46. Waiting rooms with a TV smaller than 13 inches.
47. The fact that Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan for the Academy Award for Best Picture.
48. Traffic. (Especially if the cause of the traffic is a mystery even after the traffic jam eases up.)
49. People who tell you about the concert that you didn't go to.
50. The last 20 minutes of Peter Jackson's The Return of the King (other than the last part, it's a pretty cool movie).
51. The Tyra Banks Show.
52. Tyra Banks.
53. Special editions of DVDs that simply added in a few more bad words in order to be classified as "unrated."
54. Fred on YouTube.
55. Pie that has mold on it, but you don’t realize it until after you take a big ol' bite.
56. Ants that disobey.
57. The inflated price of Astronaut Ice Cream from the museum gift shop.
58. Any car horn other than your own.
59. Knots. (Except those associated with sailing and tying up bad guys.)
60. Clowns.
61. Insane Clown Posse fans.
62. Backups at the mini-golf course. (Come on, people. Hit the ball into the hole and move on. The ice cream stand closes in twenty minutes!)
63. Computer viruses that send messages to your Facebook friends.
64. Braggarts.
65. The confusing plot of the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
66. Burned popcorn.
67. Cold floors in the morning.
68. Nightmares about final exams for classes you've never taken.
69. The odd, malformed Peanut M&M's that tastes funky.
70. The band KISS.
71. Mysterious service fees for concert tickets and cell phones.
72. Yellow jackets (the insect).
73. Yellow jackets (the article of clothing). Some exceptions apply, mostly for young women with a free spirit and an eye for style.
74. Prescription drug commercials.
75. Ignorance.
76. Dream sequences.
77. Over-enthusiastic wedding DJs.
78. The bonus tracks on albums. (They're never that good.)
79. Stinky ice cubes.
80. Cover versions of our favorite songs.
81. Cashiers who act as though they've never seen a coupon or returned merchandise before.
82. Paper cuts.
83. Knife cuts.
84. Sword cuts.
85. Saw cuts.
86. Burglars.
87. Night vision. (If everyone has night vision, the job of a ninja becomes much more difficult.)
88. The short length of time glow-in-the-dark objects actually glow.
89. The skin that forms on the top of tomato soup.
90. Evil.
91. People who are better at volleyball than we are.
92. Loud clocks.
93. Snakes that might be hiding in your shoe or toilet bowl.
94. Lollipop sticks.
95. Sunburns.
96. Regular burns.
97. War.
98. Dead batteries.
99. Cavities.
100. Headaches…but, like, really bad headaches

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